Day 2.

Day 2- Hardest thing you have to to experience.

I wish the hardest thing i had to experience was… thinking of the hardest thing i had to experience. But, sadly that’s not the case.

The date was September 2nd 2006.

But, my story starts on Friday September 1st.

It started as any typical Friday. I had just started grade 9, in my hometown the elementary schools went K-8 and all three elementary schools came together at the high school in grade 9. So, being one week into high school there was more kids that i didn’t know then i did know.

Anyways Friday came around. It was a long weekend as Labour day was on Monday. Score! There was also a Mohawk game, high school football. I made it very clear to my mom that i wanted to go. After the game we were supposed to be packed and on the road to my Grandpa M’s farm, about 1 hour away. My Grandma M passed away in June and we were going to help out on the farm during harvest. Me being 14 and rebellious i threw a fit, epic sized temper tantrum, for no particular reason at all. I just knew in my heart of hearts i was not to leave the house that weekend. I later find out why I needed to stay home.

During my temper tantrum i ran down the street refusing to come home, i figured if i dragged this out long enough my mom would just decide to not go after all. To my surprise my mom call down the street that my dad was on the phone and wanted to talk to me. I was horrified, he was not a guy to piss off.  I get back to the house and grab the phone, i’m shaking in my boots, i was prepared to be yelled at like never before. The conversation was nothing i could ever imagine. He spoke to me calmly and concerned. We came up with a plan for me, i was to go to my moms  family farm that night and the next day my Grandpa W would pick me up and take me to my dads family farm where he would come after he was done working on Sunday morning. He asked me to bring a bag of clean clothes for him, i was so proud to help my dad. He says I love you, see you tomorrow, I say i love you too, see you tomorrow. We hang up and finally leave for my moms farm.

I get up early pace around my Grandpa Ms house waiting all morning for Grandpa W to come get me. Finally, im out of there,  i leave my sister behind but i don’t care. At Grandpa W’s farm my cousins are there playing in the yard while my uncle and grandpa head back to the field. I was in charge of looking after them, even though we are close to the same age, while my Grandma W was in the city sick. We played hard all day, quadding, dirt bikes and salamander hunting. i got everybody showered and into bed. We were sleeping in our new RV trailer, two cousins in the bunks and me and a cousin in the front.

And then the unthinkable happened.

At approximately 11 pm Saturday September 2nd 2006, I got woken up by Grandpa W shaking me and telling me my dad passed away.

What?

This. is. a. dream.

I can’t even count the amount of time grandpa went in and out of the RV. I finally get up. It just doesn’t seem real. It cant be real. Its raining outside so me and my cousins are waiting inside the RV for my great-uncle to come and pick us up to take us to the city. I turn around and see the bag of clothes on the counter i left for my dad to get the next morning. A single tear falls, the only thought going through my head is he will never know if i remembered to bring his clothes.

My uncle shows up, we all pile into the car. I stare out the window just watching the rain and the stars, trying to not process what is actually going on. The 20 minute drive is the longest thing i have ever experienced.

We get to my dads brothers house. When i show up with my grandpa and cousins the house is already full of extended family. Even though i was surrounded by my family i felt completely alone. My own family was not there yet. I had no idea where my mom and younger sister were and my older sister back at home with friends. My moms and sister eventually show up and our neighbours from back home brought my older sister. People were hugging me and trying to make me feel better, i felt nothing. I was so empty inside, i did not want to be there, i wanted to go back home and to my bed. It was the worst feeling i have ever felt, because deep down inside i knew it was true and this was really happening. Over the next couple hours many people came and went. Lots of hugs and tears.

The four of us girls head back home the next day.When we get home we look at the caller ID on the phone. There was at least 20 missed calls in a half hour time frame from my dads work. I knew there was some reason i needed to stay home. Even if we would’ve been home when they called the first time it would not have saved my dad, and i’ve accepted that now.

Adjusting to life after losing my dad is the second hardest things i have ever experienced. As i mentioned earlier i was one week into a new school, i hardly knew anybody. I took one month off school. I just couldn’t face going back there. My sisters both went back to school much sooner then i did, but they had friends there and i did not. I got so far behind on school and i lost all motivation to continue in school and sadly in life. I went to the darkest places of life. 15 years old i dropped out of school. 16 years old i got pregnant. 17 years old i had my daughter, she saved my life in more ways i could ever imagine. I have battled with depression and anxiety since 2006, i continue to struggle with it to this day.

There is so many things from the nights, weeks and months after losing my dad that i just don’t remember. I was living on auto pilot. If i didn’t accept it that means it didn’t happen. For months and years after that i would still sit by the window waiting for my dad to come home, or check the messages to see if he called. Its been 9 years since that terrible night and i still have a hard time truly coming to terms that its real. I hold on to that last phone call with my dad. He was not very affectionate so to hear him say i love you one last time is something i will never lose. I have the greatest last memory of him.  Life has gotten easier, I have a fantastic life now and i believe my dad has taken me on this journey to where i am now.

 

I Love You Forever Dad.